Legacy of Ganon: Nut Reaver
by Ultimate Ganon
Summary: Yay! My second fanfic! In this story, my online buddy Wingnut takes the position of Raziel, and I take the Position of Kain! Oh, and this is my new screen name, Ultimate Ganon. I am still the same Ganon you know and love. GAHAHAHAHA! *Chap 3 NOW UP!!!*
1. Introduction

Hello All! Welcome to my second fanfic! (confetti falls) I decided to do things a little different this time around, so it is with pleasure that I introduce the new main character of the story: Wingnut!  
  
Wingnut: Hi!!!  
  
Me: Wingnut is a friend of mine, and we decided to do this story. She'll take the place of Raziel, and I shall take the place of Kain. Woah....thats a pretty wierd picture...Anyway, Wingnut looks like a female version of Raziel. Sort of. Like Lt Raziel with longer hair and angelic wings.  
  
Wnut: Remember, we DO NOT own Legacy of Kain or anything else that might somehow pop up in this fanfic.  
  
Me: Yeah...I would deny that and say we do, but I dont wanna run the risk of being tackled to the ground and beaten up by Edios workers. Give us enough money, and we may be able to buy LoK!......Please?  
  
Wnut: Ganon, you are pathetic. *dodges brick*  
  
Me: My aim is off today.......Anyway, without further adue, we proudly present: Legacy of Ganon: Nut Reaver. Enjoy! 


	2. Lake of the Braindead and Giant Squids

Legacy of Ganon: Nut Reaver  
(Opening Demo) (Ozar Midrashim begins to play)  
  
Wingnut VO: Ganon is deified, the clans tell tales of him, most of them involving humorous whoopie cushions. One time, Turel put a whoopie cusshion on his throne. Whoooo that was one good time seeing Turel get the stuffing beat out of him. Anyway....oh yeah, few know the truth. He was mortal once, as were we all. His contept with humanity drove him to create me and the other sorry excuses for vampires. What was he smoking when he created us anyway? I am Wingnut, first born his nutcases. I stood with Ganaon at the dawn of the empire...then got tired and went back to bed. Over time, he became less human and more...loony. He would enter the state of change and emerge with a new gift. This year he wanted a new video game. Some years after the master, our evolution would follow. Until I had the honor of surpassing my Lord...  
  
With that, Wingnut walks in and kneeels, then reveals angelic wings.  
  
Ganon: 0.0 Woah.....*walks over to Wingnut* Nice wings!!! Cool! *walks behind her* Dumah! Look at the pretty wings! Now why cant you be more like her and grow wings? I swanny...WHA-WHA-AHHHH! *trips over cleverly placed tripwire and grabs for the closest thing, e.g. Wingut's wings. The wings unforunately rip off*  
  
Wingunt: AAARGH!!!!! GANON YOU CLUMSY ^&*#@$!  
  
Ganon: Wha-what did you call me?  
  
Wingnut: Eh heh heh....  
  
(at the Abyss...)  
  
Wnut VO: There was one possible outcome: extreme pain! I was to suffer the fate of traitors and weaklings and burn forever in the bowels of the Lake of the Braindead...  
  
Ganon: Cast her in.  
  
Wnut: *gets thown in by Dumah and Turel* NOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo  
  
Ganon: Just kidding! Only joking! I really had you goin' didnt I Wingnut.....Wingnut?....*glares at Dumah* Dumaaaaah!!!!  
  
Dumah: Er...I...um.....*points to Turel* He did it!  
  
Turel: What? Me? NO! Nononononononononono-*gets pushed in by Ganon* AHHHHHHHHHHH.....  
  
(And this, my friends, explains why Turel wasnt in Soul Reaver 1! ^_^)  
  
Wingut VO: Tumbling, burning with white hot fire...wait....how can there be fire when I'm underwater? Speakable pain: It huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurt!!!!!! Alot man! I mean, you try hurling yourself into an endless vortex of water and see how you like it! Time ceasced to exist, only this torture and a deepened hatred for the hypocricy that allowed Barney on television. An eternity passed and the pain receeded. The decent had destroyed me and yet...I lived. Woah...thats not even possible if ya think about it, you know with the whole being destroyed thing. Man....this is already confusing me!!!  
  
(Wingnut gets up to find that her stomach and jaw are burned away, and her cape is beside her. She picks it up and wrapps it around her mouth or what used to be her mouth. A voice ecchoes through the chamber.)  
  
Elder God: Wingnut.....you are worthy.....  
  
Wingnut: AAAAAAAH! I HEAR VOICES!!!!!!  
  
EG: I know you Wingnut...you are worthy....  
  
Wingnut: THEYRE AFTER ME!!!!! THE VOICES ARE OUT TO GET MEEEEE!!!!!  
  
EG: Wingnut! I am not out to get you! I'm here to manupula-I mean, help you!  
  
Wingnut: Oh. Carry on then.  
  
EG: As I was saying.....you are worthy....for a Jamacian Cruise! (confetti falls)  
  
Wingnut: ^_^ Yay!  
  
EG: All you have to do is-  
  
Wingnut: *sees self* AAH! What is this pittiful for I've come to inhabbit? Death would be a release next to this traversty!  
  
EG: Fine if you don't want the cruise.....You did not survive the Abyss. I have only spared you from total dissolution.  
  
Wingnut: I am destroyed!  
  
EG: Yep. Anyway, the birth of one of Ganon's abominations trpps the esscence of life. It is this soul that animates the corpse you lived in. And that, Wingnut, is the demise of Nosgoth. There is no ballance, I cannot spin them in the wheel of fate! Redeem yourself. Or if you prefer, avenge yourself. Settle your dispute with Ganon. Destroy him and your brethren. Use your hatred to reave their souls. I can make it possible. Become my Soul Reaver, my angel of Death...  
  
Wingnut: Say what now?  
  
EG: JUST GO KILL YOUR BROTHERS BLOCKHEAD!!!  
  
Wingnut: What about the cruise?  
  
EG: No cruise until ypu kill your brothers!  
  
Wnut: ;_; Thats just mean!  
  
(Wingnut then leaves to the next chamber, where she finds an archway of sorts)  
  
EG: These gates twist space, laying a path across great spans.  
  
Wingnut: Whatever...*tries to leave but walks into the barrier and falls flat on her back*  
  
EG: GAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, thats funny! That was a riot!  
  
Wingnut: What was that?  
  
EG: Oh, just one of my lovely barriers. I can puty em up anywhere! HAHAHAHA You are trapped here!  
  
(Wingnut steps on the portal thingy and the barrier dissapears)  
  
EG: Um.....right....  
  
(Wingnut continues and becomes weak with hunger, so she leans up against the wall)  
  
EG: You are weak. You must feed.  
  
Wingnut: The old hunger has left me; Ihave no desire for Whoppers.  
  
EG: You are changed. Your bloodthirst has been replaced by a deeper need; you have become a devourer of souls. To sustain your strength, you must hunt the lost spirits of the underworld.  
  
Wingnut: Okay.......*eats souls* Mmmm....tastes like chicken!  
  
(Wingnut comes eventually to a chasm)  
  
EG: Your wings, though ruined, are not without purpose. Take hold of them as you leap and they will cary you across this chasm.  
  
Wingnut: Why cant I just use this bridge?  
  
EG: Well there is that too.....  
  
(Wingnut comes to a room with two sluagh)  
  
Wingnut: What are these scabbarous wretches?  
  
EG: Sluagh, the scourge of the underworld. Their fearal hunger has claimed countless souls.  
  
Wingnut: Hey! Ive seen these guys before!  
  
EG: You have?  
  
Wingnut: Yeah! These guys look like the Poes off of that Zelda game Ganon plays!  
  
EG: Oops sorry...*tentacles put two sluaghs in room, sluaghs eat poes* There. THESE are Sluaghs.  
  
Wingnut: Kewel! *jumps down* Hi! I'm Wingnut!  
  
Sluagh 1: Get her!  
  
Sluagh 2: Die evil blue thing!  
  
Wingnut: What? *dodges attack* I just wanna be friends! *jumps over sluagh fist* C'mon guys!  
  
3 hours and two suicidal Sluagh later, Wingnut presses on until she comes to a portal  
  
EG: I would do a long boring speach, but I'm expecting company in a few minutes, so I'll make this fast. 1) Use these blue things to go into the mortal pane. You can come back here anytime. Two: Avoid water cause it burns. 3: When you want to know who the next dopes are, theyer Dumah's kids. Now if you'll excuse me I have some tidying up to do...  
  
Wingnut: Say what?......(scilence).....Ah well.  
  
Wingnut walks along and (after falling into the water a few dozen times) comes to the two Dumahim.  
  
Wnut VO: I guess these are Dumah's children!....then that means....Im their Aunt!  
  
Wingnut: *jumps down* Hi! Say hello to Aunty Wingnut!!!  
  
Dumahim 1: AAAAH!!! Daddy warned us about her!  
  
Dumahim 2: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  
  
Both of the Dumahim commit suicide, leaving Wingnut alone with a block.  
  
Wingnut: Hmmmm.....a block....an unreachable ledge....This is gonna be easy!  
  
4 hours later  
  
Wingnut: AAAAARGH!!!! I HATE THESE @#$%& BLOCKS!!!!! *finally solves it and comes across the Sanctuary of the Clans*  
  
Wnut VO: This place is a mess. Ganon should get better house-cleaners. I mean it looks like its been like, centuries ago that I was thrown in the Abyss!  
  
Dumahim: Hey look! Its Aunt Wingnut! Havent seen her in a long time!  
  
Dumahim 2: Yeah! Its been like, centuries since she was thrown into the Abyss!  
  
Wnut VO: Crap. Anyway, it looks like I cant get in there right now. Ganon must have locked it up. Looks like I'd have to find another means of entery...  
  
Dumahim 1: Hey Aunt! You cant get in there right now! Ganon locked it up! You'll have to- *gets killed by Wingnut*  
  
Wingnut goes off to......(dramatic pause)....The Abyss!!!!!!!  
  
Wnut VO: Though much of Nosgoth had changed, this at least remained constant. The endlessly swirling waters of the Abyss......round and round and round.....whew....I'd better stop staring at it.....Im getting dizzy....  
  
Wingnut (somehow knows to) goes West and comes to her clan area  
  
Wnut VO: Man this place needs some serious paint jobs done to it. I'd better get my clan to do this....wait....My CLAN!!!!! I knew the hand who wrought this evil deed......Oprah....no, wait....Dr. Phil....  
  
EG: Ganon you idiot!  
  
Wingnut: I thought you were cleaning up!  
  
EG: Im done! My company should be here any second now....  
  
Wingnut: Whatever.  
  
And so, Wingnut goes through the gate into Melchiah's Clan area. Little known to her, EG's company has arrived....  
  
EG: Oh goody, here he comes......(pause, clears throat).....Raziel....You are worthy.....  
So how was it guys? I hoped that you liked it!!! After much pain, turmoil, and suffering (eg grounding) I finally got it done! (confetti falls) Hey! Cut that out! Who keeps throwing all the confetti around here anyway?  
  
And for all you Kingdom Hearts fans out there, dont worry. I hope to continue my KH parody soo. If I get enuff positive feedback, then I shall continue the story. Thank you all, and Good night!!! 


	3. Pointless Crossovers of Various Movies

Yay! Positive Feedback! A free Moebius plushie to all!! It doubles as a Torture Device! Just set it on fire, slam it against a wall, sell it to someone dumber than you, use it as a handy dust cloth, throw it in the microwave, feed it to...  
  
Wnut: Get on with it!  
  
Me: Okay! Here we go!  
  
Legacy of Ganon: Nut Reaver Chapter 2  
  
We begin with our undead hero-lady waltzing on to Melchiah's clan area. She first went off to her armoury and suited up in fine armour. She then searched her territory high and low for her followers, and succeeded in finding a few of her finest minstrils...  
  
(As they march to Mel's area, the minstril sings Wingnut's Anthem)  
  
Minstril: She is brave Wingnut, Who comes from Nosgoth She is not afraid to die, O Brave Wingnut! She is not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, Brave brave brave brave Wingnut!  
  
Wingnut: ^_^ *beams proudly*  
  
Minstril: She was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,  
  
Wingnut: 0_0  
  
Minstril: Or to have her eyes gouged out, or her elbows broken,  
  
Wingnut: 0_o Wh-what?!  
  
Minstril: Or to have her kneecaps slit and her body burned away,  
  
Wingnut: O_O gulp  
  
Minstril: Or to have her limbs all hacked and mangled!  
  
Wingnut: 0.0  
  
Minstril: Her liver removed and her heart cut out and her bowels unplugged-  
  
Wingnut: -_-  
  
Minstril: And her feet beaten up or her nostrils baked and her spine ripped up and her ears cut off and her-  
  
Wingnut: That's enough singing!!!  
  
Minstril: Bravely brave Wing-  
  
Wingnut: Shut up! Were getting close...  
  
Minstril: How can you tell?  
  
Wingnut: *points to the 'Melchia's Clan This Way' sign*  
  
So they go on their merry way until...  
  
Three-Headed Melchihim: Halt!!!  
  
Yes! It was the dreaded Three Headed Melchihim (3HM)! ....Hey....I think I've seen this movie!  
  
3HM: Who are you?  
  
Minstril: She is-  
  
Wingnut: Shut up! (to 3HM) Oh, nobody really. Just passing through...  
  
3HM: What do you want?  
  
Minstril: To fight and-  
  
Wingnut: SHUT UP!!!! Nothing, just to pass through...  
  
3HM: No! This is my bit of the Clan Area! Find your own!  
  
Wingnut: I am Wingnut, Liutennant of Ganon (under her breath) that !@$!$...  
  
The 3 heads now speak individually amoungst themselves...  
  
SECOND HEAD: Crap  
  
FIRST HEAD: In that case I shall have to kill you.  
  
SECOND HEAD: Shall I?  
  
THIRD HEAD: Oh, I don't think so.  
  
SECOND HEAD: I'm not sure.(to FIRST) What do I think?  
  
FIRST HEAD: I think kill him.  
  
SECOND HEAD: I'm still not sure.  
  
Wingnut: I'm a HER!  
  
THIRD HEAD: All right. How many of me think I should kill HER?  
  
Wingnut: ^_^ Thanx!  
  
FIRST HEAD: I do.  
  
THIRD HEAD: One.  
  
SECOND HEAD: That's not a quorum.  
  
FIRST HEAD: It is if I'm the Chairman!  
  
THIRD HEAD: Oo, it's not.  
  
SECOND HEAD: I'm the Chairman this week.  
  
FIRST HEAD:You're not.  
  
SECOND HEAD: Look, it'll make it much simpler if I vote with me!  
  
THIRD HEAD: To kill her.  
  
SECOND HEAD: Yeah.  
  
FIRST HEAD: (to Wingnut) Lady, I have decided to kill you.  
  
THIRD HEAD: With one absenting.  
  
FIRST HEAD: Lady, I have decided to kill you with one absenting.  
  
THIRD HEAD: (to Wingnut) Sorry about this but I have to be fair.  
  
Wingnut: Oh, that's all right. So you are going to kill me with your big axe.  
  
FIRST HEAD: Er no, with my sword.  
  
SECOND HEAD: Dagger.  
  
THIRD HEAD: Mace is quicker.  
  
FIRST HEAD: No, no, the sword, it's easier.  
  
THIRD HEAD: She said axe.  
  
Wingnut: Look, hurry up six eyes, or I shall cut your head off.  
  
THIRD HEAD: (to Wingnut, referring to FIRST HEAD) For God's sake, CUT that one off, and do us all a favour.  
  
FIRST HEAD: What do you mean?  
  
THIRD HEAD: Yapping on all the time.  
  
SECOND HEAD: You're lucky, you're not next to him.  
  
THIRD HEAD: What do you mean?  
  
SECOND HEAD: You snore.  
  
THIRD HEAD: Oo, lies. Anyway, you've got bad breath.  
  
SECOND HEAD: (aspirating heavily) I haven't.  
  
(Both THIRD and FIRST HEADS turn away slightly, making faces.)  
  
SECOND HEAD: It's not my fault. It's what you both eat. FIRST HEAD: Look, stop this arguing. We've got an undead vampire to kill.  
  
THIRD HEAD: I say we use a lance!  
  
For seconds, Wingnut held her own against the arguing of the 3HM, but the onslaught proved too much for her! Scarcely was her armor damp when she suddenly and dramatically changed tactics...  
  
FIRST HEAD: Where is she?  
  
SECOND HEAD: She's scampered off!  
  
THIRD HEAD: So she has.  
  
(Scene shifts. Wingnut and Minstrils are making their way onward. The music is jolly and bright, as if triumphant. Wingnut is not at all happy with the lyrics...)  
  
Minstril: Brave Wingnut ran away!  
  
Wingnut: NO!  
  
Minstril: Bravely ran away, away.  
  
Wingnut: I Didnt!  
  
Minstril: When danger reared its ugly head. She bravely turned his tail and fled, Brave Wingnut turned about And gallantly she chickened out Bravely taking to her feet  
  
Wingnut: All lies!  
  
Minstril: She beat a very brave retreat Bravest of the brave Wingnut Petrified of being dead Soiled her pants then brave Wingnut Turned away and fled.  
  
It was then that Wingnut removed the rusted armor, and for no aparent reason, was forced to eat her minstrils. And there was much rejoycing  
  
Everyone on the Internet: Yaaaaaaaaaaay.  
  
She makes her way onward and finds a Melchiahim...  
  
Wingnut VO: These things looked a lot like the things in Jabba the Hut's place! Their scent was vampiric, but they moured upon their victim like a Tatooine Rockwyrm gobbles up it's Valeafor Rats......  
  
Wingnut runs along until she sees flags with Melchia's symbol.  
  
Wingnut VO: This Carmel House bore the unmistakable signs of Melchias clan area. My feelings told me this...Had our dynasty plumeted to summon corpses as soldiers?  
  
Melchiahim: Death to the Rebellion! *gets killed*  
  
Wingnut makes her way to a lake...  
  
Wingnut: A lake. I will raise boulders to make my way across! *uses the Force to summon rocks, then hops across*  
  
She comes to the Warp Gate...  
  
Wingnut: So this is the gate that Darth Elder was talking about...I will join the Rebellion and destroy him!  
  
Darth Elder: Wingnut.....I am your far distant cousin! Many times removed!  
  
Wingnut: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! *draws Lightsaber out of nowhere and hacks her way to the Final Puzzle*  
  
Here, she uses the Force to move her Lightsaber in such a way that it cuts all the wooden beams and makes the floor crash....on her.  
  
Wingnut: OOF! X_X  
  
6 Hours Later... Wingnut finally wakes up in Spectral Realm. She eats a few Sluagh and then shifts into Material, where she goes to Mel's Lair...  
  
(Gate slams shut behind her)  
  
Wingnut: AAAH! What? NOOOOO! I must get the gate back open!  
  
So Wingnut tried everything to get it open. She tried squeezing her way through the bars, punching it, climbing on it, and even sneaking up on it.  
  
Wingnut: OPEN SESAME!!!!!!.....(nothing happens)...... COME ON!!!!!!  
  
But eventually, everything failed. So she, like, got frustrated, as any one of us would.  
  
Wingnut: *puts quarter under gate and tries, unsuccessfully at that, to wedge it open* Come on! OPEN!!!! *runs around screaming and trying to bite her way through the bars*  
  
Okay. Maybe a little more than any one of us would.  
  
Wingnut: I'll never do it! Never! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! *hears rumbling voice* Hm? *edges over to shadowy figure* Show yourself, creature!  
  
Creature: Here I am!  
  
Wingnut: Not you! The one in the shadows!  
  
Creature: *sniffle*  
  
Melchia: Do you not recognize me sister.....have I so changed?  
  
Wingnut: Jabba the Hut? We just finished the Star Wars crossover! Now were on Kung Pow: Enter the Fist!  
  
Melchia: NO! Im Melchia you moron!  
  
Wingnut: Ooooooooh......okay, sorry! Lets restart!  
  
Melchia: *rolls eyes* Do you not recognize me sister? Have I so changed?  
  
Wingnut: Well, yeah! You really let yourself go, didnt you Melchia?  
  
Melchia: THATS ENOUGH! There are people that say I am a bad person. They say I do things that are not, er, correct to do. I do not believe in such talk as this! I am nice vampire, with happy feelings...all of the time! First, a joke. What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?  
  
Wingnut: A stretchy owl?  
  
Melchia: Besides that!  
  
Wingnut: The Christmas present we got Ganon?  
  
Melchia: Oh for the love of-  
  
Wingnut: A bumblebee?  
  
Melchia: Ah, close enough. From this day forward, you will refer to me by the name...Betty! Nyra! Nryahahahahaha!  
  
Wingnut: But...Isnt Betty a woman's name?  
  
Mel-er-Betty: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....  
  
Wingnut: Where is Ganon?  
  
Betty: Beats me.  
  
Wingnut: %@$#%  
  
Betty: 0.0 o\_/o You were always the cursing kind...now, YOU DIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!  
  
Betty then roared, and started to charge. But at that moment, all those Super-Deluxe Mega Sized Jmbo Burgers from the Fatso Burger caught up with him...  
  
Betty: GRAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! Now you DIIIIII- eeeeeep! *has a sudden fatal Heart attack*  
  
Wingnut: .........................eh............Mel? Meeeeeeeeeel?  
  
Doctor Melchiahim: * rushes in* LETS GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!!!!!!! * puts electric things on him* CLEAR!!!!!!!! Zap.  
  
Betty: AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!! *gets up* THE PAAAAAAAIN!!!!!!!  
  
Doctor: Thats the seventh time this week! You have to watch your fat intake, Melchia!  
  
Betty: Its......BETTY!!!!!*eats doctor* Alright....NOW you die! HIT IT!  
  
Melchiahim: *pushes button on stereo, girly song begins to play*  
  
Wingnut: AAAH! *runs and finds leaver that opens gate* Alright! This could help! *snaps leaver off and jumps out*  
  
Using all her might, Wingnut hurls the stick at Betty. The stick whizes by his head. The stick hits the stereo, and iBlack Betty/i begins to play.  
  
Wingnut: Hey! I love this song! *dances to the beat*  
  
Melchia: I could dance like that....if I felt like it...  
  
Wingnut: You threatened to kill me.....And I dont like that kind of thing. *kicks Betty*  
  
Betty: OW! You stubbed my toe!!! *hides in cricle cage* Youre mean!  
  
Wingnut: Hey! Chocolate! *walks to Betty's throne, accidentally trips over switch* *sits down and eats chocolate, dosent notice Betty's horridly bloody gorey painful death* Mmmmmmmmmmm......Hershey's....  
  
Betty: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!! squish (soul bonds to Hershey bar)  
  
Wingnut: *tastes soul* OOH OOH! Theres almonds in this!  
  
EG: Consuming Melchia's soul has endowed-  
  
Wingnut: It's Betty now....Hey! Snickers! Huzzah!  
  
EG: Oh...Betty's soul...has endowed you with the ability to pass through insubstantial barriers.  
  
Wingnut: Say what now?  
  
EG: You can get out of the gate now. But only in Spectral Realm!  
  
Wingnut: Goodie!*gathers Chocolate and shifts to Spectral*  
  
An 'Insert Quarter Here' slot arrears next to the gate.  
  
Wingnut: YAY! *puts in Quarter and walks off...*  
  
To be Continued.....  
How was that? I know, I know, it was pretty long. I hope you enjoy it! (confetti falls) WHERE DOES IT ALL COME FROM!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!? Please, review! Cya in da next chapter!  
  
~Ganon 


	4. The Ultimate Evil

Greetings all! More mayhem and insanity have befallen us! With Defiance coming soon, I'm so hyped about LoK that I wrote a song. Here it is!  
  
Legacy of Kain is coming, Defiance is on its way! Er.Um.. Something something something, Defiance is on its way!  
  
Wnut: Ganon, give it a rest.  
  
Me: Can I sing it in Al Bhed?  
  
Wnut: No.  
  
Me: Awwwwwwww.okay then! Well, at least I can write this chapter! This one has a guest appearance by none other than the greatest LoK humor author of all time, Popeland!  
  
Wnut: Right! And remember we don't own LoK, Popeland, LEGO's, or anything of the sort.  
  
Ganon: I own your soul and that's about it. So without further adue, I present to you:  
  
Legacy of Ganon: Nut Reaver Chapter III  
  
And so, having defeated Melchiah, Wingnut walks out of his lair feeling all proud of herself. She makes it to the Sanctuary of the Clans.  
  
Wingnut: I love my new Quarter Slot ability!  
  
EG: For the last time Wingnut, you can walk through gates!!!!!  
  
Wingnut: Lemmie try! *tries to walk through gate, but knocks herself out when she hits it*  
  
EG: How can one being be so stupid?!?!  
  
Wnut: (in Spectral Realm) Wow...that smarts!!!! Hey cool! Another Quarter Slot!  
  
EG: Why do I even bother?  
  
Wingnut: Cause Im supplying you with the food you need!  
  
EG: Shhhhhhhh! You're not supposed to know that!  
  
Wingnut: Oh.  
  
And so, Wingnut forgets about it. She prances her merry way to a portal, and then shifts to Material. She comes across two Dumahim..  
  
Dumahim 1: Hey! Theres an intruder over there! Get her!  
  
Dumahim 2: Hey! It's Auntie Wingnut! She owes us some money for all the times we mowed her lawn!  
  
Wingnut: You didn't mow the lawn! Someone else did!  
  
D1: Who?  
  
Wnut: Hmmmm...  
  
Flashback to when Sarafan Commander Popeland and his group of Sarafan dudes are about to attack Wingnut's palace.  
  
Popeland: Men, ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Men: Who?  
  
Popeland: Um...I dunno! Just hack away at anything!  
  
Men: *start cutting down grass*  
  
Popeland: Good job troops! Now lets go home!  
  
Flashback ends.  
  
Wingnut: Ah, those were the good ole days.  
  
D1&2: 0_o  
  
Wingnut: And then I remember the time..  
  
Flashback to when Ganon is talking to Wingnut and the others.  
  
Ganon: Now, we have a Sarafan Menace on our hands. Well, Im not a vampire, but you all are! Dismissed!  
  
Dumah: Um...what?  
  
Wnut: Say what now?  
  
Rahab: That made no sense!  
  
Melchiah: Shouldn't we kill them?  
  
Ganon: The Sarafan can die on their own time, now you all are dismissed!  
  
Turel: But Ganon, The Sarafan will kill us all if we don't wipe them out!  
  
Ganon: Oh if you insist.kill them if you want..but be back before bedtime!  
  
Flashback ends.  
  
Wnut: Ah, what a glorious victory!  
  
Dumahim 1&2: This is boring..  
  
Wingnut: And then there was that time when.  
  
D1&2: AAAAAAH! WE CANT STAND IT!!!!! *jump into water*  
  
Wnut: Whats their problem?  
  
Wingnut walks along, singing 'Don't Stop Believing' by Journey. She stops occasionally to jam on her air guitar.  
  
Wnut: Workin' hard to get my fill. Everybody wants a thrill! Payin anything to roll the dice, Just one more time..  
  
EG: Rock on! *sings along, causing Wingnut to throw her hands over her ears*  
  
Wnut: AAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!  
  
EG: Okay.(sniffle)..if that's how you feel.  
  
Wingnut finally makes it to Ganon's Chamber, where she finds Ganon playing with LEGOs.  
  
Ganon: *puts Legos down* Wingnut.  
  
Wingnut: Daddy! Daddy I missed you so much!  
  
Ganon: What? Youre not mad at me?  
  
Wingnut: Nope! Why would I be?  
  
Ganon: Cause I killed you and threw you into the Abyss?  
  
Wnut: Oh yeah...Wheres my clan?  
  
Ganon: On a Jamaican Cruise! (Confetti falls)  
  
Wingnut: And I wasn't invited? (tear comes to eye) Darn you Ganon! Youre performing the ultimate evil: SELF-INSERTATIONS!!!!!  
  
Ganon: Huh?  
  
Wnut: Youre the Author! You cant be a character in the story! You are not God!  
  
Ganon: Wanna bet! *builds Lego town* GAHAHAHAHA! I own all you LEGO people!!!! Bow before me!  
  
Lego People: (bow)  
  
Wingnut: How'd you do that?  
  
Ganon: With my almighty (boomy voice) Author Power!!! (echo)  
  
Wingnut: This act of Self-Insertation is unconscionable!  
  
Ganon: Conscience? You dare speak to me of conscience!?! Only when you have had the full gravity of choice upon your shoulders of what Legos to use can you question my judgment!  
  
Full Gravity of Choice: Yeah! What he said!  
  
Ganon: Can you even begin to conceive what you would do in MY position?  
  
Wingnut: I would choose the red roof on that house right next to the store, Ganon!  
  
Ganon: *looks it over* Ya know, that might have been a better choice.  
  
Wingnut: Ha! I win!  
  
Ganon: *kicks Lego town, sending pieces flying* That town outlasted it's usefulness..as have you.  
  
Wingnut: I was never useful to begin with!  
  
Ganon: DIIIE!!!!!  
  
Ganon draws the Nut Reaver. It looks like the Soul Reaver, only with a giant metal peanut where the skull should be.  
  
Wnut VO: The Nut Reaver, Ganon's ancient blade. Older than any of us and a few million times more corny. We knew what it meant when he drew the sword. It meant you were dead, he needed to scratch his back, or he was out of toothpicks.  
  
Ganon quickly rushed to get Wingnut, but he accidentally stepped on a LEGO!!!!!!  
  
Ganon: OOOOOOOH OOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!! *Reaver goes flying, Ganon clutches foot*  
  
Wingnut: I got it! *misses Reaver, Reaver lands on her and explodes* OW!!!!  
  
Ganon: The blade is..ouch! That must have hurt! Ha Ha! I win! Oh yeah, and were closer to our destinies, even though there's still 2 and maybe more games til its all over! Now, wheres that Band-Aid..*hops off to heal injured foot*  
  
In Spectral,  
  
Wnut: What is it? (looking at Reaver)  
  
EG: The Nut Reaver. Now go poke it.  
  
Wnut: Nah, Im gonna get my hands on something more useful. Maybe like an AK- 47 or something..  
  
Somewhere, in the past, Moe is watching through a cauldron.  
  
Moe: Well, there go all my plans.  
  
Back in the present, a tentacle flies from no-where and pushes Wnut at the Wraith Nut, causing it to wrap around Wnut's arm.  
  
Wnut: AAAAAAAH! MARTIANS ARE INVADING MY HAND!!!!!!!!!  
  
EG: Now you are both inexplicably bound, Nut Reaver, and Reaver of Nuts. Ewwwww, that sounds so wrong! Who's writing this anyway?  
  
All: *Point at Ganon*  
  
Ganon: Don't look at me! *hides computer*  
  
EG: Whatever. Now..  
  
Wingnut: THEY HAVE COME TO DESTROY MY FINGERS!!!!!  
  
EG: Wingnut! There are no Martians in your hands!!!  
  
Wingnut: OH NO, IT'S THE HYLDEN!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
EG: I give up.  
  
Ariel: (appears) What are you little soul? Come to taunt this bound specter?  
  
Wingnut: Nya nya! *sticks out tongue*  
  
Ariel: GANON! She cant stick out her tounge! She has no mouth!!!!!  
  
Wingnut: (tounge disappears) Awwww.  
  
Ariel: I give up too!!!!  
  
Wingnut goes away, and finds a Quarter Slot. She is, however, out out of Quarters!!!! So Wingnut goes back to Ariel.  
  
Wnut: Ariel! I'll shine your skull for a Quarter!  
  
Ariel: Kay!  
  
So Wnut gets a Quarter. She then goes on her merry way, unknowingly skipping to Zephon's Citadel.  
  
So how was it? Free Voradoor Plushies to all who Review!!!!!! Til next Chapter, Cya! Now where did I put that Lego Dragon? 


End file.
